Girlfriend? (:
No, I'm Cruyff's Sister in fact.
Well, I stole my brother's laptop & blogger to use today, and yes.
I went into his blog as I felt something isn't going right for my brother recently.
I'd grown up with this fellow for 17 years, I can sense if he's happy or not.
I seldom see him at home, like me.
I wasn't at home too, we were both outside and come home late.
My brother wasn't happy at home, too.
He often get reprimanded by the family, he often get scoldings.
He just didn't like it.

I pity my brother, I felt that my brother should deserve better.
He's unlike me, I'd a big circle of friends.
Sometimes, I don't even have to trouble to find someone to talk to.
I don't even have to think who I should look for.
But him, I know no one is really there.
I really understand him.
I felt heartache when I read his post. I felt like crying for him.
There's once I remembered very clearly....
My brother provoked my mother and she started to throw everything on his table all over,
he cried so badly that I still remember how I shed my tears for him.
He's my beloved brother, whom I often bullied and joked with.

He protected me, he love me, he care and concern for me.
I'd never once stop loving this man whom felt neglected by his friends.
I told him my secrets, he told me his too.
Although I don't read his blog often, I don't come over to his blog.
But now as I read, the hurt is so deep that I can actually feel it.
Kor, I'm always here for you...
Like I said, we're a family...
I'll never leave you alone,
if you ever felt lonely, I will be there to accompany you...
if you ever felt like crying, think of the stupidest thing I'd ever done.. =x
if you ever need a shoulder to lie on, use mine(although not fleshy and comfortable)...
if you ever need someone to whack you, I WILL BE THE MOST WILLING TO!!! =P

Brother,
DONT GO NS LEH, I WILL MISS YOU LEHHHH! ):
I love you, my beloved brother...

P/s:
OI!!!
DONT CRY AH :DDDD

Hi everyone!!!
It's been a month...
Sorry for not being able to update this blog...
Anyway, I resigned my Sakae Sushi job like 2 weeks ago...
And I'd just finished my temporary street surveying job...
See if I have any more luck on jobs for the next 2 weeks...
Needed money badly...
Because of the surveying job, my colleagues and I had not been sleeping well...
Really damn tired...
I really just wish that I can complete my education asap...
I wish I can complete my Japanese and Korean studies on my own...
So that I can teach...
Really sian...
Sometimes I don't like about vacation break is like that loh...
Seriously cannot take it already...
I need some sleep...
Hopefully in the near future, I'll get to blog again...
With much energy...

Got to go le...bye...

It has been 2 weeks since I join Sakae Sushi...
But I'm still kind of screw up...
Scolded by Manager...
Upset my colleagues...
Still not familiar with the menu...
Sometimes, I feel really stressful about this job is that, you have to memorise the menu with the descriptions so as to explain it to the customers...
Another thing is, I don't mind facing the customers' 'face', I do mind looking at my colleagues' 'face' and their attitude towards...
People who understand me will know that I'm soft and sensitive by heart...
Once anythings come towards me, you won't see me smiling for the rest of the day already...
Just like today, Yan Suan 'confronted' me again for my mistake...
I know I'm very careless...
It has been 2 weeks and I couldn't afford to gives excuses or make any mistakes...
But I'm still a human here with tolerance...
I had once confessed to Irene(Manager) before, of all colleagues, Yan Suan is the only colleague whom I really cannot take it...
Although in general, almost all female colleague...
Yan Suan to me, is just arrogant...
I had also asked Irene about changing of location...
She advised me to stay...
Now, I felt kind of tired...
Feel like quiting this job and look for another one...

Raymond, Qin Shu, today is both of your last day...
Both of you are those best senior colleagues I've ever had...
It's really such a pity that you both are leaving for NS...
Especially the both of you, have been very patient towards me...
I know, on my 3rd day of work...
I got complained by customers...
I really want to thank Raymond for the console...
As I almost cried in front of Irene...
For Qin Shu, thanks for all the teaching...
You have really been very patient to all my 'nonsense'...
I want to wish the both of you, enjoy your NS, hope we can meet again!

Another Best-Pal-Colleague is Zack...
Both of us are still trainee for lots of stuffs...
And everytime, both of us will leave our work place together...
And always feeling very happy chatting with you...
And you're the youngest of us all...
Sometimes, I just find you quite an interesting/tough guy...
You're schooling and working at the same time...
And you can cope with your work so well...
Somehow, you're the one who can listen to my problems and chat about it...
And I really thank you...

Somehow, I'm still considering another job...
Better environment, an environment that is not so stressful...
But thinking back...
This job is being asked by my father...
And I'm working for my survival for my next semester...
And this is one of the highest pay job which I can find...
I can't afford to let my parents or myself down because of certain mistakes...
I've got lots of things to learn...
Though stressful, stomach is the cause for what I'm doing now...
I'll try my really best to memorise the menu asap and won't let myself down anymore...
がんばります！！！

Got to go le...bye...

It was like a heavy news to me...
One of my favourite BoyBand, Dong Bang Shin Ki(DBSK) had just got disbanded...
Due to the lawsuit case with SM Company...
It was such a total waste of talent...
To be truthful, I started to like this boyband like last month(?)...
And in only just a few weeks, it got disbanded just like that...
I've been listening to their music and my interest of learning Korean is also because of them...
I'm not gay, please...haha...
Just that seriously, I like their music really, really lot...
Now they're disbanded, it's just a total waste...

Blame who? The SM Company of course...
I really pity their story...
Work so hard and yet...
Come to think of it, it's better...
As their fans, we want them to be happy...
Creating their style of music, and not music creating them...
Which is just wrong...
I'll still continue to listen to their music...
I'll still pursue my interest of learning korean...
I'll still watch their past dramas...
Sometimes, I'll tend to feel disappointed, but as long as they're happy, as their fans, I'll happy too...
Wherever they are, I want to wish them all the best...
Whether they are continuing into entertainment industry or other fields...
If they want to patch, under different company, it would be better...
But I can tell that, all of them are very tired, be it physically or mentally...

I think this actually somehow tells people that, before you go for any auditions, look at the details first...
Don't get yourself ended up like H.O.T, DBSK...
Heavy schedules, lesser pay then expected in a year, do more than what you should be doing...
And getting yourself fighting a lawsuit for freedom...
I think that's really a tragedy...
People wanted to be chosen for a certain audition, whether to pursue career or interest, wanted to famous, gain fame...
Somehow, I think that people like them have to be mentally prepared...
Interest like this ofter comes with heavy prices...
It's not that you can't, you can, just to tell yourself, you are prepared...

DBSK signed a 13-year contract...
It has been 5 years plus since they first started...
It's a good thing that they voice out, at least they don't get to suffer anymore...
Another thing I felt quite sad is the brotherhood between them...
From my point of view is that, they like close brothers...
Now they have to be disbanded/separated...
Seriously, I don't know how would they be feeling right now...
As for ChangMin and Yunho, who are staying, it's just puzzled me that they're willing to continue in SM...
For what reason, I do not know...
Of all members, only JaeJoong, Yoochun & JunSu complaint...
The 5 of them are willing to be disbanded so easily, I was just wondering (if at the same time) that the relationship between the 5 has gone worse...
I mean, I hope not, just that too many things had puzzled me...

They are such great singers, even if they're going to be working alone, I think I'll still support them...
Just that all fans around the world have to take some time and 'digest' the fact that they have disbanded, but will still continue to support them...
It's very cruel, but what can we do?
Life is theirs, not ours, we can't choose for them...
I mean, you don't want to see your idol(s) suffering under such conditions, right?
When it's time to let go, let it go...
In the past, there were also numerous boybands/girlbands got disbanded...
Just that, perhaps, DBSK is one of those 'special' cases that they were more outstanding...
I think fans who supported them are like crying for them now...
For a guy who support boybands like them, will be like "WTH", "Darn it"...haha...
I have a friend who did that...
Anyway, DBSK, I wish you all, ALL THE BEST!!!

Got to go le...bye...

Today, I just want to clarify something with whoever is going to read my blog...
In a few months' time, I'll be shifting house...
To be more exact, is down-grading...
Over the years, ever since my family and I had shifted to Sembawang...
Things always do not went as smoothly as we want...
Especially when comes to money/financial needs...
Everyone should know that my father works as a policeman for 20 years...
Because of house financial, he almost lost his job...
The debts that he'd been owing has to be returned by one of our relatives...
In the past, especially my siblings and I, don't know how to spend money wisely...
When comes to housing fees, car taxes, have to go by credit...
All these goes on...

When today my mother said that the person will be coming up to our to photoshoot our house...
And I have to clean up my room...
Because of all these problems, I lost my appetite and end up scolding by my mum for not telling her that I'm not eating so that she can save the effort for cooking my share...
I know I was in a wrong...
Everyone felt that I'm not caring for the family...
I'm too, am stressed up...
How I wished that all things never happened...
I wanted to contribute to this family...
How I wanted to spend sometime with my mother, especially...
Ever since I have entered poly...
I'm becoming even more self-centered...
Which I don't know why...
Not just family...
My friends, my relatives...

WHY ME????!!!!!
Crying by myself now...
No one to talk to...
Listening to DBSK's "Holding Back My Tears"...
Cry out all my emo thoughts...
How I want to hug someone close to cry...

SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY!!!!!!
I'm really, very sorry to everyone whom I've upset...
I really don't know what's happening to me...
I don't feel like playing for Rondeau already...
Let work drain me...
It's just sad...

Ever since what had really happened to me 2 years ago...
I had really think back...
I had really think hard of life and death...
I had really think hard of my family...
Sometimes, I just felt that the care which I should get has been subsiding...
The loneliness within my heart has increased...
Seeing the clique which sometimes I think I should be with, enjoying among themselves...
Which envied me...
Felt like naming them, but I can't...
They were once my friends...
Now, I felt that they're not treating me like one...

My loneliness grew ever since primary school...
But that doesn't really mean it is really part of my life...
Sometimes, I just really, really need to lend a ear, a patient ear to hear me out...
Most of my time is really quiet so people don't really know what I'm thinking about...
My character is sometimes very strange too...
I don't feel cheerful anymore...
It's just serious all my way through...
The 'cheerfulness' are not what exactly it is...

Like I said, seeing a clique after another...
Really does make me jealous, envious and also...disappointed...
My heart is heavy, filled with loneliness and hatred bit by bit, day by day...
Seeing my life is going to fall below the X-axis and Y-axis...
The unfairness starts to come...
It brought my moral even lower...
It does not show on my face, it does reflect in my heart...deeply...
Not a word of encouragement, not even a smile or pat on the shoulder...
Telling me: "Hold on there...you must persevere..."
None of these comes...
After fighting my life for all these years, no appreciation at all...
All I got was prejudices...
Bad nicknames, negative words behind my back...
No one knows how much pain(physically & psychologically) I had fought through, or I am fighting through...
This clique, seeing them enjoying themselves, always make me feel that I'm being left out...
All I want is to spend some time with them...
I want to break through my position, 'overthrow' the things that opposes me...
I want to quit...just like Rizuan...

And this is for you, Rizuan...
We had been friends for more than a year...
Most of the time, you gave me the encouragement, you brought me laughter...
There's a lot of 'Thank you" that I wanted to say to you...
I want to thank you for all the words of encouragement you gave...
I want to thank you for all the laughters you had given me as well...
I want to thank you for lending your ears to me, listening to my problems...
I want to thank you for your advices...
Upon hearing that you're going to leave us just like that, I was surprised in my heart....
Probably in the whole school, you're one of the very few best friends I'd ever have...
Most of the time, when I met problems or troubles, your advices and laughters always cheer me up...
You've helped me a lot...
Waving you farewell, is one of the very tough things to do...
After you leave, I'm going to be more lonely...
Lonely than ever...
How I wish I can give you a really big buddy hug...
I remembered the first time we chatted with each other, full of engrossment in the things we chatted...
I won't forget that moment...
I reall want to thank you, Rizuan!
Thank you very much!
I wish you, able to find your future dream, excel in life and family, most importantly, take good care of yourself...
We won't know when we'll be able to meet again...
But hopefully we will be able to meet up again!

Just a few days back, my wound surroundings started again...
The pain has haunted me day and night...
'Washed' my face with tears almost every night...
Somehow, I don't know why...
Something kept telling me that, I have to stop this already...
I don't want to suffer anymore of this nonsense anymore...
I want to push this pain away...
I want to end here, is very demoralising...
The pain I have, is not what anyone can feel...
Pain in health, pain in life, pain in family, pain in everything...
Sometimes, I really, really had enough of all these nonsense...
The more i want to drew myself back, the more I want to push myself forward again, towards the cliff in my mind, jump it off and that's it...
Total shut down...
I have no clique to follow...
Follow my own instinct, my own body...
No true friends...
The more work I do, the more I felt is being unappreciated...
What for being over-responsible...
Make my life and body miserable...
It's just kill me...
Always ended myself in hospital...
Recalling all the bad incidents in the past...
Being lonely, sometimes, on the ward bed...
No one to talk to...

I know I'm not well-liked in school, by some people...
Because of my seriousness, my strictness...
Also people avoided me because of other reasons...
Sometimes, I tried to console myself that these people are not mature enough, i should forgive them...
But after awhile, these crazy thoughts came back again...
Being deserted...being left out...being lonely again...
Words and actions affected me easily...
I'm easily break down due to this as well...

What happened during my 18th birthday also affected me a lot...negatively...
The most important person in my life...did something which I did not enjoy my birthday for the rest of the period...
I was very disappointed...
A movie won't cheer me up...
Laughter won't cheer me up...
Words won't cheer me up...
More sad things happened...
I broke down...I could no longer take it anymore...
Of all birthdays I had, that was the most tragic one I'd ever had...
Life is starting to get unfair with me...
How I wish I can fight back...

For the past few weeks, I know I haven't been blogging...
Troubles being hidden in my heart for so long that, I could really blog them out now...
Now is 2.31am...
Apparently, I'm in no good mood to sleep...
It's just amazing that i exploded everything out of my heart just like that...
I don't know what I'm doing...I just want to flare out anything that has been stucking in my heart, filling with troubles...
Think I should stop here, the more I say, the more crazy I'll get, the more people I'll offend...
How I wish these would end...

Hey everyone!!!
I'm in a camp now...
Having my day 0 as I'm part of the committee...
Kind of tired now...haha...
I just had another camp a few days ago...
Very fun as I was the camper...
Previously, my committee and I was trying for the night walk...
Though it was like 10 people per group but the girls were still really scared...
It was torturing as the talkie-walkies were really sucky and we have to keep testing it by getting people to go to other places within the school...
Okay, I just had my bathe...
Going to sleep soon...

Got to go le...bye...